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Just because you feel it doesn't mean it's there..'s LiveJournal:
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| Thursday, December 16th, 2004 | | 7:57 pm |
Update!!!?!?!?
Ok I know you've all missed me (just kidding..I know I'm talking to myself here). But incase anyone wondered what happened to me, I'll give you the ole rundown. I discovered a WAY better website than LJ (sorry livejournal..but your moderators suck ass, esp the ones from the Sextips community..) and therefore I've pretty much migrated there. This is it: myspace.comHere's my profile on it, if anybody cares to know whats going on in my life (or wants to see ugly pics of me) my profileand um...yeah thats about it. lets see what has happened to me since last time I updated.. - I graduated college - I work full time now and get paid really shitty money, but hey at least its something. - I went to Canada!! I loved it and I wanna move to Niagra Falls someday - Um..not that anyone cares (not even me at this point) but for your information, Adam 'broke up' with me (not that we were ever "together") for another girl and well, things ended really badly so thats the end of that. You are all in luck, youll never have to hear me mention his name again!! HAHHA what a great day huh???? - I'm sure there's more stuff but i can't think of it. But like I said, I'm on myspace now and its far better than this crap, so join up and let me know when you do |
| Tuesday, June 15th, 2004 | | 4:43 pm |
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| 4:26 pm |
Danielle said something to me that made me kind of scared. She said..."I feel like this thing with you and Adam is going to last forever." It made me really sad because I'm afraid she's right, and I'll never get out of this mess, and I'll alwasy be in love with someone who doesn't love me back and I'll never be happy. And I'll alwasy cling to him because he's my best friend and its so hard to end a friendship. What a mess =( |
| Sunday, May 30th, 2004 | | 6:02 pm |
Oh yeah..I graduated college last Sunday. Go me. Goodbye Conn College, thank God it is over. Current Mood:  relieved |
| Monday, May 17th, 2004 | | 1:57 am |
YUP
Xo NieLLeY oX: what would YOU do Xo NieLLeY oX: if a guy told you Xo NieLLeY oX: he wanted to be with you Xo NieLLeY oX: but not right now Xo NieLLeY oX: and that they will probably be sleeping with other ppl in between MickleyLAC34: UM MickleyLAC34: hello!!!!!!!!! MickleyLAC34: ADAM SAID THE SAME EXACT THING MickleyLAC34: where have you been?!?! MickleyLAC34: do you listen to me ever?! Xo NieLLeY oX: that he wanted to sleep with otherp pl? Xo NieLLeY oX: you never said that MickleyLAC34: yes!!!!!!!! MickleyLAC34: he said he wanted to get it out of his system Xo NieLLeY oX: i thought he just didnt wanna sleep with you MickleyLAC34: hahaa MickleyLAC34: he never wants to sleep with me Xo NieLLeY oX: eww Xo NieLLeY oX: and what did you tell him MickleyLAC34: i got pissed and said no you cant do that MickleyLAC34: haha MickleyLAC34: and we got in a big fight MickleyLAC34: and finally he was like ok nevermind MickleyLAC34: mwhaha Xo NieLLeY oX: ahahahaha |
| Thursday, May 13th, 2004 | | 7:48 pm |
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| Wednesday, May 12th, 2004 | | 11:32 pm |
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| Monday, May 10th, 2004 | | 6:31 pm |
Ok Real Update in Progress
My LJ layout is driving me crazy..that stupid "Previous 20" thing at the top is blocking my text...and I don't know how to fix it..boooo..anyways...I have ten minutes before I have to get my clothes out of the washing machine so here goes nothing. What's happened in the past few weeks? Well let's see...Adam came here to visit during Floralia (spring weekend/drunken debauchery at Conn)...that was kinda fun. We basically fought the entire time. He made a big deal about buying alcohol, insisting we split it EXACTLY down the middle (he's so freaking cheap), yet I ended up paying for more than he did anyways. He told me he had a "surprise" for me when he came, now this is AFTER I told him I bought him a $40 shirt, plus I got him a $15 pair of boxers too. So he comes and visits and his "surprise" is a cd he got for 8 bucks online and his ratty old sweatshirt..ok now I'm not trying to be bitchy, I'm not trying to be selfish or superficial...but he is SO cheap!! He made me go to KFC for lunch cuz god forbid he go to a place where you have to tip..and he made me pay for my $4 sandwich!!! OMG like..it makes me so mad..I had to pay for EVERYTHING!! Plus I paid for HIM a lot of the time, and he never paid for me once or bought me anything. It's just frustrating. I mean...all my friends' boyfriends buy them stuff all the time...my cousin gets roses and lollipops and movies and everything...and what do I get??? NOTHING! I deserve it just as much as they do....hell I deserve it more cuz I've never BEEN given anything!! I give and I give and I get nothing in return..it's getting old. And no I dont give for the purpose of wanting something in return...not at all. It would just be nice once in a while to be reciprocated is all!! Another big thing that bothered me was that one to two months ago he was all about acting boyfriend-ly and holding my hand and doing all that shit...but the weekend he came and visited he refused to hold my hand even once...I tried a few times at the movies and he kept moving away, at once point even saying "sorry", ok wtf???? Fucking fuck. He like wouldn't do anything with me, yet of course this is his opportunity, when we are both away from our parents! God he sucks. He wouldn't even sleep in the same bed as me! Finally he realized I got mad and got into bed next to me but remained completely over to the side so he wouldn't have to touch me =( So then after all that crap...Adam decided that he changed his mind about the whole relationship with me thing. So um yeah HE SUCKS. I remember asking him specifically, I said, are you sure it isn't a phase, are you sure you aren't going to change your mind? He said yes I promise. AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENS. Christ I know him better than he knows himself. So that kinda was depressing, cuz I told him not to hurt me again and what does he turn around and do? Fuck him, I'm so sick of this crap. So that's the basics - Adam doesn't like me anymore (surprise surprise), he doesn't want a relationship anymore, out of the blue, and he sucks (but we already knew that). Ok..like, why does this always happen?? Why do I always come THISCLOSE to getting a boyfriend then it all blows up in my face. What. In. The. Hell. Am. I. Doing. Wrong!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH@!!ELNJEQ:ND@EQDJE QN So, yeah...I'm on my own from here on out. Peace. Current Music: Alexisonfire - Little Girls Pointing and Laughing |
| 6:27 pm |
Just a recommendation to anyone that reads: ALEXISONFIRE is such a good band!!!!! I just bought their cd its so freaking awesome I listen to it on repeat like 5 times in a row. You can download a couple of their mp3s here. yay. |
| Sunday, May 9th, 2004 | | 5:28 pm |
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| Wednesday, April 28th, 2004 | | 2:54 am |
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| Saturday, March 27th, 2004 | | 4:38 pm |
Ok I think I finally fixed the layout to my journal...yay. So do you guys like it?!??!?!? hahaha...I know nobody's gonna comment on this anyways I don't even know why I bother to ask. But anyways...that's a picture of Adam playing his guitar:) I love it, I think it looks like it belongs on a cd cover...(I added effects on it and made it pretty with all the cool colors haha)..but yeah...now you all know what he looks like...eventually I'll add one of me so you'll know what I look like too...haaaaaaaaaaaaa |
| Thursday, March 18th, 2004 | | 11:26 pm |
Big newsssss
And it has nothing to do with Craig or Adam!!!!!!!! I met the boys from Thrice today (again hehehe) and got their autographs and it was soooo amazing of course....they were awesome and nice and we brought old posters from their Illusion of Safety and Identity Crisis albums that nobody else barely recognized cuz they think they're all big Thrice fans cuz they like their single on the radio...anyways...they were all pysched we were old school fans and i brought my camera and asked to take a picture of them, and DUSTIN asked ME if I wanted to be in the picture with him!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was sooooooooo awesome!!!!!! So now I have pics of me and Dustin and me and Ed and Riley!!!!!!!!! (Teppei was like in the middle and we had to move fast through the line so I didnt get a pic with him but he doesn't talk too much anyways) I'll actually post the pics in my journal once I scan them...so you'll all be able to see what I look like finally..dun dun dun.. haha...but yeah...awesome awesome experience! And I'm going to their show tomorrow!!!!!!!!!! Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
| Friday, March 5th, 2004 | | 12:07 am |
This Is Getting Bad....
FattyBacon: you know im really sorry im not a phone person, but everytime i come online im really excited to talk to you and when you're not on or away im disappointed, so yeah talking to you online pretty much is the hightlight of my day. sometimes it isnt cuz we argue and i dont like that, but i do know that we usually get over them and i feel a lot happier when we do FattyBacon: lindsey i do love you ok? and i really do mean that no matter what you think and no matter what you want to hear MickleyLAC34: sigh MickleyLAC34: i know adam MickleyLAC34: i do love you too FattyBacon: and yes i really do want to be with you cuz i really do like you, you're a really awesome person, and i'm really sorry that its taken me so long to realize just how great you are FattyBacon: yes i thought differently in the past but i like to think that im not the same person i used to be MickleyLAC34: i am not in love with craig MickleyLAC34: nor will i ever be FattyBacon: i never said you were in love with him FattyBacon: i said i hope you're happy when you're with him FattyBacon: cuz when you're with him you wont be talking to me MickleyLAC34: adam dont say it like that:-( FattyBacon: um FattyBacon: thats how i see it MickleyLAC34: ill still be thinking about you FattyBacon: thats how it is MickleyLAC34: like i alwasy am FattyBacon: well tell him that FattyBacon: see what he says MickleyLAC34: yeah right FattyBacon: ok MickleyLAC34: he knows a little about you FattyBacon: fuck him MickleyLAC34: ok.. nevermind FattyBacon: good for him MickleyLAC34: ok FattyBacon: im going to bed MickleyLAC34: ok FattyBacon: sweet dreams FattyBacon: goodnight FattyBacon signed off at 12:06:09 AM. :-/ |
| Thursday, March 4th, 2004 | | 1:51 am |
Things Get More Complicated
umm....so yeah...remember all those entries about me complaining how Adam would never like me? Well...the impossible has finally happened...he told me he really misses me and doesnt wanna lose me and is jealous of Craig and wants to be with me, IN a relationship, asap. Boy, I feel like I'm in the twilight zone.. Here's some examples of his turnaround: FattyBacon: the past few days ive been thinking about everything more MickleyLAC34: yeah? FattyBacon: yeah FattyBacon: well i looked at yor away message the other day and it mentioned craig in it FattyBacon: and FattyBacon: i felt weird FattyBacon: i guess i was jealous that you were happy with someone else FattyBacon: it doesnt really sound good when you think of how ive acted and things ive said and done MickleyLAC34: sigh FattyBacon: so for me to even feel that way isnt good and im disappointed in myself FattyBacon: i know i would be happy with you FattyBacon: cuz like i was trying to get at before, not much would change between us, and im happy being your friend FattyBacon: i was looking at how we are or were FattyBacon: we kiss, fool around, fuck, you get jealous when i hang out with other girls, i get jealous when you hang out with other guys...how is this not just like any other relationship MickleyLAC34: thats what i had been trying to explain to you MickleyLAC34: except for the other guys aprt MickleyLAC34: since there wernet any bfore FattyBacon: i already realize that im not against a relationship with you FattyBacon: i was gonna send you something but i didnt think it was a good idea MickleyLAC34: are you kiddig me FattyBacon: no FattyBacon: i wanted to MickleyLAC34: you wer gonna get me something for valentines day? FattyBacon: yes MickleyLAC34: wow and now its progressed to this: FattyBacon: hehe FattyBacon: actually FattyBacon: and dont be weirded out by this FattyBacon: but in all honesty ive seen you as the type of girl that im gonna marry So now...I am really torn between 2 guys - Adam, my first love, my best friend, and Craig - the new guy who I don't know much about but who is genuinely nice to me all the time. What is a girl to do? God I just don't know...I hate choosing between two people cuz I don't want to hurt anyone:( I guess its a good thing Craig is in Florida right now, but what do I do when he comes back?? I just can't decide! Part of me wants both of them and part of me wants neither of them!! Sometimes I get so mad about Adam cuz he put me through so much shit in the past 3 years...grr...but then again its like my one dream is finally coming true! Ah, so confused...I just don't know anymore. Just thought I'd tell you guys what's been going on. |
| Friday, February 13th, 2004 | | 4:43 pm |
Time for an update I suppose
Ok so just incase any of you thought I had fallen off the face of the earth, fear not, I'm still alive and well. (Who am I kidding..nobody reads this crap anyways and nobody cares either, but whatever). SO! What's been going on since my last post, you ask? What's that? You don't care? Well too bad, I'm gonna explain it anyways. I haven't talked to Adam since the last post, however long ago that was. Probably like 3 weeks maybe? Yeah I know. I'm surprised I didn't cave yet. We have emailed like 2 or 3 times just because I wanted him to know exactly what was going on, and also because if I hadn't emailed him, he wouldn't email me and we'd just never talk ever again. And I'm not quite ready for that yet. So yeah...amazing how much Adam had been holding me back and I had no idea. It was really hard to stop talking to him and I was just a wreck and I wanted to die and I would cry constantly. But, somehow, I got through it. I prayed and prayed that I could stop being in love with him and not want anything anymore and to be happy with what I had. I said, I don't understand, God, how you can answer all my prayers except the one I've been asking You for ever since I was in middle school for crying out loud. I thought, isn't it my turn yet? Isn't it time by now? Why me, how come I don't get a chance when everyone else does? I asked for someone to get my mind off Adam only, nothing that had to be mutual, because we all know that isn't ever going to happen. So about a week after me and Adam stopped talking I went to this bar in New Haven with some of my friends from Conn. And yes I met a guy there haha. At a bar, I know. But I was a little drunk and he looked cool so I was like ok what the hell so I gave him my number blahblahblah. Ew this sounds like a romance novel, sick, trust me its not. So he ended up calling me and we hung out the next night and basically we've hung out like every day since then. I suppose this sounds like good news, and it kind of is, I guess. Here are some interesting things to know about him: - His name is Craig (ehh), he's 23 and 5'9 (which only makes him an inch taller than me, ehhhhhhhhh) - He has tattoos all over his arms, which I think are pretty hot - He is a tattoo artist and a piercer - He is a part time student at UConn majoring in physical therapy! (haha how perfect is that) - He's a drummer in some band - He's originally from Virginia so he has a slight southern drawl haha - He's in the reserves or the navy or something..not quite sure - He is reallllllllllly really nice...like I used to think Adam was the nicest guy in the world. Now Adam's like the meanest guy in the world compared to him. - He is straightedge, so...that may cause some problems haha Not really sure what else to say about him. I don't know him that well yet I guess...he seems like he really likes me though. I dunno...there are lots of sketchy things about him that just don't add up. Like how can he do all those things I just listed? It seems like so much. And I still have never seen his house or his car, I always have to drive and I drop him off and pick him up at the navy base even though he supposedly lives in New London. He is also really into like...cuddling and crap...ehh..I am just not...maybe cuz Adam ruined it for me who knows..but I just can't be like that with someone I hardly know. I mean he IS nice and stuff...and he treats me soooo good, and he's really sweet and he pays for everything and he's just awesome. But..I dunno. Maybe I'm just scared so I'm pushing him away or something. Although I suppose it doesn't matter much cuz he's going to Florida tomorrow (yes on Valetines Day), for 2 months, so....who knows what will happen. But...that's pretty much what's been going on for the past few weeks, if anyone cared to know. |
| Wednesday, January 28th, 2004 | | 1:16 am |
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| Monday, January 19th, 2004 | | 12:13 am |
ok i'm going to try to write down what I'm thinking
I'm not good at making people feel better. That's probably a sign I'm not a good friend huh. Well I guess I knew that already. I've been formulating this all in my head and I really don't think it'll come out right...and if it doesn't it'll just sound like a repeat of lots of my other entries, or a combination of them. Argh. I just don't know how to start this. I think in the back of my mind I keep worrying what people are going to think when they read it but really nobody reads it anyways so whats the point in worrying? Right. Ok here goes.. First of all, I have never been this depressed in my life. I know I have been saying this for months, but I don't care because IT IS TRUE - fuck off if you are sick of hearing me complain..thats the point of a joural, so again, fuck off. I've lost my patience long ago and I'm not putting up with anyone's shit anymore. So that's that. Ok, so - I'm really depressed, and its getting worse and worse, and I'm starting to get worried that its a chemical imbalance or something. But then I think of how lonely I am because I have no friends, and how jealous I am because everyone else I know goes out almost every night and people call them on the phone or bring them flowers or come over their house, or they have boyfriends and plans every night while I sit at home being bored and sad and horribly alone, and I think of how I always get excluded whenever any of my friends go out for some reason...I haven't figured out why I'm never good enough to be anyone's friend anymore. Whats so great about their other friends? How come I'm always the one thats missing something? Why me? Why cant I just be normal? How come I always scare people away..they hang out with me once and never want to hang out again. What am I doing wrong! God, I didn't think I was that bad. This brings me to my next point. I really am not good enough for anyone..like, nobody cares THAT much..nobody cares ENOUGH. Nobody wants to put the effort into anny friendship that involves me. I'll try to think of hypothetical examples, then I'll give real ones. I just saw this movie where this guy fell for this girl and she got mad at him. Sounds common right? Right. However, she won't return his calls. Now, if this were me, he would give up right away and move on to the next girl. However, in any other situation (and not just in the movies), the guy will call back until he gets a hold of her, and if he still can't he will go to her in person. See, I'm not good enough, because guys don't bother trying hard. OR at all. Many a time I have had guys just completely stop talking to me all together, randomly. When I'd explain the situation to other people, they all said, he'll call don't worry..there's no way he won't cuz that wouldnt make sense. But he didnt. Ever again. And then when I told people this they were like shocked. So, again, Why ME? What did I ever do to deserve this! Here's another example. Nobody cares enough about me to put any effort into the relationship, as I mentioned. Let me give one huge example that ruined my life. When me and Adam got into a fight (online mind you), being really angry I said I never want to talk to you again, and I blocked him. Now, he was my BEST FRIEND at that point. So you'd think that he'd oh I don't know...try to find some way of communicating with me maybe! He DOES have more than one sn. But no..we didn't speak for EIGHT MONTHS, and in those 8 months did he try ONCE to talk to me ever, or make any effort at all?? NOPE. He just let me go, because I meant nothing to him, and our friendship obviously meant nothing either. I apparently mean nothing to everyone. This is what I have such a problem with. This is what I can't stop thinking about. THis is why I am so depressed!! Because I know that everyone feels this way about me because they've all already proved it! I make my opinions based on experience. And you know what? I can truly say MY LIFE SUCKS. I would be better off having never been born. Current Mood:  depressed..very very depressed |
| Tuesday, January 13th, 2004 | | 6:50 pm |
Why do pretty skinny people always get everything, its so goddamn unfair. I'm sick and tired of being second best, of being just a friend. When is it ever gonna change? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU GUYS?!!?!? LOOKS AREN'T EVERYTHING FOR CHRIST'S FUCKING SAKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOD! I HATE MY LIFE Current Mood: depressed, as always |
| Saturday, January 10th, 2004 | | 2:39 am |
worst night of my entire life
well...i got the privelege of going clubbing with danielle and ana tongiht...and let me tell you...i am never going clubbing ever fucking again. it only makes me that much more depressed. nobody even LOOKED at me, nevermind danced with me or talked to me. oh except for the fucking 40 yr old black guys, excuse me. Meanwhile ana and danielle find guys that want to dance with them the second they stop foot on the dance floor. well, it sucked, for me ayways, so i just stood there like an idiot cuz i sure as hell wasnt goig to dance by myself while my two friends were off dancing with guys. i guess its good they got to have fun at least..but i sure as hell didnt...i wanted to cry the entire time we were there. i hated it and it made me want to jsut die. oh, so i asked A guy to dance...and he said no...well actually first he said oh, are you asking me to dance with one of your girls? because everyone wants to dance with my friends and not me! cuz im fat and ugly and worthless!!@ and not even worth talking to!!! but i said no, i actually meant for me. and he was like oh..well..ok..let me get a drink ill be back in a couple minutes. so i was like rihgt, ill never see him again. Which i didnt. except that i kind of looked for him and found him and so i said, well you know if you didnt want to dance with me you shoulve just told me so in the first place. etcetcetc..i know im ugly..etcetectedc...blahblahblha...he was like well i didnt SAY that..and i was like hello you didnt HAVE to...then i just left and that was the end of that. oh yeah AND i found out that danielle and ana TRIED to get one of the guys' they were dancing with's friends to go over to me and ask me to dance BUT!!!!!!!!!!! he said NO!!!!!!!!! AMAZING!!!!! AND THEY DID THIS WITH MORE THAN ONE GUY!! AND THEY KEPT SAYING NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!WOW I SUCK SO MUCH I AM SO FAT AND UGLY! i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die. god my life sucks. going to this club tonight, where guys my age were ALL OVER THE PLACE, everywhree - everywhere you turn...and still nobody even looked in my direction - only proves my theory that I will never have a boyfriend and never get married because i will remain the way i am today, forever - ALONE AND DEPRESSED AND SINGLE AND NEVER HAVE HAD A BOYFRIEND...well at least i know for sure now. i want to die, i hope i dont wake up tomorrow. Current Mood: depressed |
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